Ignore the bandage. Horrible hospital visit and blah blah blah. Anyway, back to my realization. So as I stated yesterday, I was talking with my best friend about Love Unbroken after she had read what I added and gave me her comments. I was telling her that the book was basically a bunch of analogies of my last relationship and that my "naive, childish Camille" character was actually ME in my relationship. You know, always feeling down about not being able to spend time with her man, easy to forgive just because she's happy to be around him and all that jazz. I've stated time and time again that the ending of my book represents how I felt when that relationship had ended. I felt like I had permanently lost a part of myself that I could never get back.
Writing Love Reborn was hard. I remember when I started writing it, I scrapped like four chapter ones. It took me 3 WHOLE MONTHS to write a chapter one that I was satisfied with and once I got over that hurdle, it became a little easier. As I wrote this story, I basically followed through with my character and learned some things about myself. I learned that in order to grow, you have to stop living in the past and wondering about the what ifs. You know what I'm talking about. What if I did this differently? What if I didn't do this so much? What if we had more time? Things like that. I also learned that it WASN'T my fault. Sometimes things just fall apart. Sometimes people are better off as friends. Placing blame on yourself isn't going to change the situation. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and grow from them.
Taking this journey with Ahmad was challenging, but very eye opening. For the first two years or so, I had a hard time moving on myself. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I couldn't picture myself being with anyone else. I was actually afraid of moving on because I held on to a tiny thread of hope that things would change. But life isn't a fairy tale. Realizing this, I wrote Love Unbroken to express my feelings. My ending was my wake up call to myself to let me know that there were no more chances. There was no more hope. It was gone. Dead. Finished. It was time to move on. In Love Reborn, I was finally able to get the closure I needed to move on.
It took a good while to get to the point that I'm at now, but I'm content. I'm glad that I was able to get through this with my writing. These two books are very personal to me because they helped me find myself again. I was so lost in my emotions, but it's nice to be free from them. That chapter of my life officially ended when I wrote "The End" for Love Reborn. Oh, I'm just speaking figuratively, I didn't really write "The End" because I find it to be rhetorically stupid. Like, duh, there's no more words, so I would assume this to be the end of the book. That's just me though. Anyway, to move on means to move past the hurt, past the blame, past the what ifs, and to just let go.
The most important love you can ever have is self love. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? Until again, love muffins!