I can’t do it. I can’t let go of him. I want to, but I don’t know how. I rolled over in bed and glanced at the clock. It was a little after two in the afternoon and here I was, still moping around over a breakup that happened over three years ago. What was wrong with me? He was obviously moving on, so why couldn’t I? I found it nearly impossible to get over someone that I gave everything to, someone that I built everything with. Imagine building the most perfection creation, only to have something sabotage it to the point of no repair. That’s how I felt and it wasn’t a good feeling.
Scrolling through photos on Facebook and Instagram was depressing. There were so many people in love and since I wasn’t in love, it was sickening. I was happy for my friends, yes, but I felt this pang of jealousy that I couldn’t shake off. To be completely honest, I had no one to be mad at but myself. The craziest thing about this situation is that it’s my fault that I’m still single. Guys would approach me, but because I’m so wrapped up in him, I’m in this lame ass “I-can’t-see-myself-with-anyone-else” phase. Talk about the ultimate cock block. We can call it “Typical loner Victoria” syndrome if you want to put a title on it.
I was completely fine until I went to my best friend’s wedding. Seeing her so in love with someone who loved her just as much as she loved him made me feel bitter. It was supposed to be a joyous weekend, but here I am on a Sunday comforting myself with butter pecan ice cream. I totally needed to get my life together.
My interest peaked when my iPhone vibrated next to me. I raised my eyebrow in curiosity at the sight of Ahmad’s picture on my screen. Of course he would call when I’m in one of my moods. “Thanks for calling the House of Heartbreak, this is Victoria. How can I help you?” I answered, flopping back into my pillows. I heard Ahmad chuckle on the other end. “You really need to get a grip on yourself, girl. What are you up to?”
“Oh, nothing. Just enjoying the company of bacon, rice krispy treats, and Ben & Jerry’s.”
“The sugar and fat content alone makes me cringe. I told you about comfort food.”
“You told me about a lot of food, but when will you learn that I won’t listen? You’re a trainer. I like being soft and fluffy. I’m in no rush to have a body like yours.”
“It’s about health, not necessarily your appearance. But anyway, I’m down the street, so be decent when I get there.”
“It’s about health, not necessarily your appearance. But anyway, I’m down the street, so be decent when I get there.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, disconnecting the phone and tossing it on the bed. I sighed loudly as I bounced off of the bed and rummaged through my closet for something to wear. I hated his random impromptu visits. My plans were to lie in bed all day with my hair standing on my head, stuffing my face with a ton of junk food. But no, my best friend was going to be here in a couple of minutes and I had to look presentable.
Although Ahmad and I were friends, it didn’t stop my mind from wandering. He’s obviously seen me at my worse (which was a complete accident that would NEVER happen again), but I always try to look my best when I see him. You never know what could happen if he were…you know…single again.
I quickly pushed the thoughts aside. What was I thinking? He was happy with Whitney and I was happy for him. He went through so much during the last couple of years and I was happy that he found some kind of peace in his life. Seeing how happy he was lately made me wonder how I could get that same happiness for myself. Maybe I should ask him about it when he gets here.
After slipping on a pair of yoga pants and tank top, I quickly ran a brush through my frizzy hair and tossed on a headband to keep my poof in control. As if on cue, I heard a knock on the door as soon as I brought my snacks into the living room. I opened the door and immediately was in awe… as usual. This man was too handsome for words. Here he was leaning against my doorframe with that stupid smirk on his face, just taking my breath away. I stepped aside and let him in. “So how’ve you been?” I asked as we settled onto my leather sofa. He shrugged. “Everything is cool. The better question is how have you been? What’s with this ‘House of Heartbreak’ business you mentioned? I pray it’s not because of your ex,” he said, raising an eyebrow at me.
I looked away timidly. Being a man, I’m sure he wouldn’t understand. Having gone through something as tragic as losing the one you love, he would probably think I’m just being dramatic. “It’s hard to explain,” I said softly, turning my attention to my hands. We sat in silence for a little bit while I gathered the courage to talk about what I wanted to ask him.
“Ahmad… when you lost Camille, how did you finally get over it to move on with Whitney?” I finally asked. He chuckled and shook his head. “If I told you the actual story, you wouldn’t believe me. But it took a lot of reflection. I had to stop thinking about my feelings, especially with having a three-year-old daughter. I don’t know, it's kind of hard to explain this because our situations are different.”
“How so? I feel like I’m grieving the lost of my relationship, too.”
“But not how I did. My girl died, you and your ex had a mutual breakup. If you guys wanted to work things out, you have the opportunity to. I can’t have Camille back and I struggled with that thought the most,” he said, his eyes clouding over with sadness. I patted his hand gently.
“I didn’t mean to bring up any memories,” I said softly. From being around him for the past couple of years, I knew the pain and torture he put himself though with his memories of her.
He smiled. “Everything is good now, though. I’m dating again, business is great, and life is just taking a turn in a better direction right now,” he beamed. I gave him a small smile. This is what I was talking about. Why couldn’t I have something like that, to be happy? Why am I still crying into a pint of ice cream over someone who is obviously over me? I shoveled another scoop of ice cream into my mouth as I thought.
“What made you start dating Whitney anyway? No one could get you to go on a date,” I noted, pulling my legs underneath me. A small smirk pulled at his lips.
“I was gambling and I lost.”
“Gambling? I figured it was something that you were forced to do,” I giggled. Ahmad chuckled.
“I’m sure it was like pulling teeth for everyone to get me to go out on a date after three years. I’m just glad I decided to.”
“How are things with the two of you? I rarely see you now that you have a little girlfriend.”
“You rarely see me because work has been hectic. But everything’s great with her. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
“Well, I’ve been with her for about two years now. Ahmelia is completely in love with her. She even calls her mommy,” he mentioned. I smiled in awe. It was nice to see that Ahmelia was happy with the decision Ahmad made. I’m glad that she had a complete family now.
“Okay, so what have you been thinking about, genius?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute. But first, we need to focus on you and your emotional pow wow you have going on,” he said, confiscating my ice cream. My jaw dropped.
“I was still eating that!” I shrieked, reaching over to grab the pint back from him. He casually held me off with one arm. He wasn’t fazed in the slightest with my struggle, as he was much stronger than I was. With a huff, I settled back into the couch.
“Fine, you fool. Focus on what?” I grumbled, folding my arms across my chest with a pout. He gazed at me with amusement shining in his eyes for a moment before speaking.
“What exactly is holding you back from moving on?” he asked softly. I opened my mouth to speak only to be stumped on my answer. There were so many reasons that I didn’t want to move on. For starters, I had this tiny thread of hope that I held on to, hoping that things would work out on its own. That thread should have obviously been broken when I saw that he had a new girlfriend. Then there was the feeling that made me think that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of giving my body or my heart to another man. I had been with my ex since I was sixteen, we had history. I sighed. It was so easy for him to move on, as if his feelings were a faucet that could easily be turned off and on.
I shrugged my shoulders with a sigh. “I really don’t know,” I admitted softly, biting the inside of my cheek.
“Do I have to force you to go on a date?”
“No. I don’t even understand why it’s so hard for me though. It’s not like I’m not attractive. It’s not like I don’t have guys asking me out. I sit around writing romance novels about people finding their happily ever after, but I neglect my own. Hell, I gave YOU a happily ever after,” I said with bitter dismay.
Ahmad looked at me and smirked. “Isn’t there some kind of quote that says life is what you make it or some shit?” he asked. I met his eyes with a confused gaze.
“Why can’t you create the relationship you want?”
“Because life doesn’t work that way, Ahmad. I have ideas of how love is supposed to be and how I would want love to be, but some men may not agree. They say that you shouldn’t want the perfect companion because no one is perfect. You should just accept people for who they are.”
“And you should.”
“But do I have to settle just to be in a relationship? When I set my standards, men are quick to tell me that I’m stuck up or judgmental. Just because I don’t want a smoker, drinker, or some random thug in my bed doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up. It simply means that I won’t settle for shit that I don’t want,” I stated matter-of-factly. Ahmad nodded knowingly.
“You shouldn’t feel bad for what you want. If a guy does any of those, if he truly wanted to be with you, he’d stopped. If you continue holding out, I’m sure you’ll find the guy that you’re looking for and it’ll be worth the wait.”
“But what if I never find him though? What if I never find a guy that can handle my situation?”
“Yeah, my ‘situation',” I said, waving my hand in front of my whole body. Ahmad raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“You mean with your lupus or something? Or being bipolar?”
“I’m not even bipolar, you fool. But yes, my lupus.”
“Like I said, the right guy will be able to handle all of that and he will do it without complaining. You would realize that if you stopped cutting yourself off from the world. I learned that the hard way,” he said, rising to his feet.
What he was saying made perfect sense. Being stuck in the past wasn’t going to help my situation. I learned that from watching Ahmad during his grieving period as he got back on the dating scene. Maybe I just needed to trust myself and trust that things would work out for the best as long as I stuck to my guns about what I wanted.
“Where are you going?” I asked as he moved toward the door. He turned and slid his hands into the pockets of his khaki shorts.
“I have to pick up Ahmelia from Karin’s house and meet up with Whitney. Are you going to be okay?” he asked. I nodded and followed him to the door. Just as he stepped over the threshold, a thought popped into my head.
“Wait a minute. You said that you would tell me what you were thinking,” I reminded him. He smiled and nodded.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I’ve been thinking…” he said, digging around in his pocket. I watched him with anticipation. When he pulled out a small black box, I felt my heart rise in my throat.
“I’ve been thinking about proposing to Whitney. I’m not completely sure, but it’s been on my mind heavily,” he said with a wink, showing me the beautiful 14-carat white gold diamond ring. I immediately became confused as everything processed in my mind.
“Why did you buy a ring if you’re not completely sure?” I asked. He grinned as he slipped the ring into his pocket.
“I think it would make for an interesting story line for book three, don’t you think?” he said with a wink and walked away before I could get another word in. I smiled and shook my head as I closed the door. I gave him his happily ever after. I think it’s past time for me to obtain my own.
***BE SURE TO GET YOUR COPY OF LOVE UNBROKEN AND LOVE REBORN ON JUNE 12TH!***