Sooo...on Sunday, Ahmad came over to visit to help me learn a little lesson. Here's what went down!
I can’t do
it. I can’t let go of him. I want to, but I don’t know how. I rolled over
in bed and glanced at the clock. It was a little after two in the afternoon and
here I was, still moping around over a breakup that happened over three years ago.
What was wrong with me? He was obviously moving on, so why couldn’t I? I found
it nearly impossible to get over someone that I gave everything to, someone
that I built everything with. Imagine building the most perfection creation,
only to have something sabotage it to the point of no repair. That’s how I felt
and it wasn’t a good feeling.
Scrolling through
photos on Facebook and Instagram was depressing. There were so many people in
love and since I wasn’t in love, it was sickening. I was happy for my friends,
yes, but I felt this pang of jealousy that I couldn’t shake off. To be
completely honest, I had no one to be mad at but myself. The craziest thing
about this situation is that it’s my fault that I’m still single. Guys would
approach me, but because I’m so wrapped up in him, I’m in this lame ass “I-can’t-see-myself-with-anyone-else”
phase. Talk about the ultimate cock block. We can call it “Typical loner
Victoria” syndrome if you want to put a title on it.
I was completely
fine until I went to my best friend’s wedding. Seeing her so in love with
someone who loved her just as much as she loved him made me feel bitter. It was
supposed to be a joyous weekend, but here I am on a Sunday comforting myself
with butter pecan ice cream. I totally needed to get my life together.
My interest peaked
when my iPhone vibrated next to me. I raised my eyebrow in curiosity at the
sight of Ahmad’s picture on my screen. Of course he would call when I’m in one
of my moods. “Thanks for calling the House of Heartbreak, this is Victoria. How
can I help you?” I answered, flopping back into my pillows. I heard Ahmad chuckle
on the other end. “You really need to get a grip on yourself, girl. What are you
up to?”
“Oh, nothing. Just
enjoying the company of bacon, rice krispy treats, and Ben & Jerry’s.”
“The sugar and fat
content alone makes me cringe. I told you about comfort food.”
“You told me about
a lot of food, but when will you learn that I won’t listen? You’re a trainer. I
like being soft and fluffy. I’m in no rush to have a body like yours.”
“It’s about health, not
necessarily your appearance. But anyway, I’m down the street, so be decent when
I get there.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled,
disconnecting the phone and tossing it on the bed. I sighed loudly as I bounced
off of the bed and rummaged through my closet for something to wear. I hated his random
impromptu visits. My plans were to lie in bed all day with my hair standing on my head, stuffing my face with a ton of junk food. But no, my best friend was going to be here in a couple of minutes and I had
to look presentable.
Although Ahmad and
I were friends, it didn’t stop my mind from wandering. He’s obviously seen me
at my worse (which was a complete accident that would NEVER happen again), but
I always try to look my best when I see him. You never know what could happen
if he were…you know…single again.
I quickly pushed
the thoughts aside. What was I thinking? He was happy with Whitney and I was
happy for him. He went through so much during the last couple of years and
I was happy that he found some kind of peace in his life. Seeing how happy he
was lately made me wonder how I could get that same happiness for myself. Maybe
I should ask him about it when he gets here.
After slipping on
a pair of yoga pants and tank top, I quickly ran a brush through my frizzy hair
and tossed on a headband to keep my poof in control. As if on cue, I heard a
knock on the door as soon as I brought my snacks into the living room. I opened
the door and immediately was in awe… as usual. This man was too handsome for
words. Here he was leaning against my doorframe with that stupid smirk on his
face, just taking my breath away. I stepped aside and let him in. “So how’ve
you been?” I asked as we settled onto my leather sofa. He shrugged. “Everything
is cool. The better question is how have you been? What’s with this ‘House of
Heartbreak’ business you mentioned? I pray it’s not because of your ex,” he said,
raising an eyebrow at me.
I looked away
timidly. Being a man, I’m sure he wouldn’t understand. Having gone through something
as tragic as losing the one you love, he would probably think I’m just being
dramatic. “It’s hard to explain,” I said softly, turning my attention to my
hands. We sat in silence for a little bit while I gathered the courage to talk
about what I wanted to ask him.
“Ahmad… when you
lost Camille, how did you finally get over it to move on with Whitney?” I
finally asked. He chuckled and shook his head. “If I told you the actual story,
you wouldn’t believe me. But it took a lot of reflection. I had to stop
thinking about my feelings, especially with having a three-year-old daughter. I don’t know, it's kind of hard to explain this because our
situations are different.”
“How so? I feel
like I’m grieving the lost of my relationship, too.”
“But not how I
did. My girl died, you and your ex had a mutual breakup. If you guys wanted to
work things out, you have the opportunity to. I can’t have Camille back and I
struggled with that thought the most,” he said, his eyes clouding over with
sadness. I patted his hand gently.
“I didn’t mean to bring up any memories,” I
said softly. From being around him for the past couple of years, I knew the
pain and torture he put himself though with his memories of her.
He smiled. “Everything is good now, though. I’m dating again, business is
great, and life is just taking a turn in a better direction right now,” he
beamed. I gave him a small smile. This is what I was talking about. Why
couldn’t I have something like that, to be happy? Why am I still crying into a
pint of ice cream over someone who is obviously over me? I shoveled another
scoop of ice cream into my mouth as I thought.
“What made you
start dating Whitney anyway? No one could get you to go on a date,” I noted,
pulling my legs underneath me. A small smirk pulled at his lips.
“I was gambling
and I lost.”
“Gambling? I
figured it was something that you were forced to do,” I giggled. Ahmad
chuckled.
“I’m sure it was
like pulling teeth for everyone to get me to go out on a date after three
years. I’m just glad I decided to.”
“How are things
with the two of you? I rarely see you now that you have a little girlfriend.”
“You rarely see me
because work has been hectic. But everything’s great with her. I’ve been doing
a lot of thinking lately.”
“About?”
“Well, I’ve been
with her for about two years now. Ahmelia is completely in love with her. She
even calls her mommy,” he mentioned. I smiled in awe. It was nice to see that
Ahmelia was happy with the decision Ahmad made. I’m glad that she had a
complete family now.
“Okay, so what
have you been thinking about, genius?”
“I’ll tell you in
a minute. But first, we need to focus on you and your emotional pow wow you
have going on,” he said, confiscating my ice cream. My jaw dropped.
“I was still
eating that!” I shrieked, reaching over to grab the pint back from him. He
casually held me off with one arm. He wasn’t fazed in the slightest with my
struggle, as he was much stronger than I was. With a huff, I settled back into
the couch.
“Fine, you fool.
Focus on what?” I grumbled, folding my arms across my chest with a pout. He
gazed at me with amusement shining in his eyes for a moment before speaking.
“What exactly is
holding you back from moving on?” he asked softly. I opened my mouth to speak
only to be stumped on my answer. There were so many reasons that I didn’t want
to move on. For starters, I had this tiny thread of hope that I held on to,
hoping that things would work out on its own. That thread should have obviously
been broken when I saw that he had a new girlfriend. Then there was the feeling
that made me think that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. I couldn’t even
fathom the thought of giving my body or my heart to another man. I had been
with my ex since I was sixteen, we had history. I sighed. It was so easy for
him to move on, as if his feelings were a faucet that could easily be turned
off and on.
I shrugged my
shoulders with a sigh. “I really don’t know,” I admitted softly, biting the
inside of my cheek.
“Do I have to
force you to go on a date?”
“No. I don’t even
understand why it’s so hard for me though. It’s not like I’m not attractive.
It’s not like I don’t have guys asking me out. I sit around writing romance
novels about people finding their happily ever after, but I neglect my own.
Hell, I gave YOU a happily ever after,” I said with bitter dismay.
Ahmad looked at me
and smirked. “Isn’t there some kind of quote that says life is what you make it
or some shit?” he asked. I met his eyes with a confused gaze.
“Yeah, and?”
“Why can’t you
create the relationship you want?”
“Because life
doesn’t work that way, Ahmad. I have ideas of how love is supposed to be and
how I would want love to be, but some men may not agree. They say that you
shouldn’t want the perfect companion because no one is perfect. You should just
accept people for who they are.”
“And you should.”
“But do I have to
settle just to be in a relationship? When I set my standards, men are
quick to tell me that I’m stuck up or judgmental. Just because I don’t want a
smoker, drinker, or some random thug in my bed doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up.
It simply means that I won’t settle for shit that I don’t want,” I stated
matter-of-factly. Ahmad nodded knowingly.
“You shouldn’t
feel bad for what you want. If a guy does any of those, if he truly wanted to
be with you, he’d stopped. If you continue holding out, I’m sure you’ll find
the guy that you’re looking for and it’ll be worth the wait.”
“But what if I
never find him though? What if I never find a guy that can handle my
situation?”
“Situation?”
“Yeah, my
‘situation',” I said, waving my hand in front of my whole body. Ahmad raised an
eyebrow in confusion.
“You mean with
your lupus or something? Or being bipolar?”
“I’m not even
bipolar, you fool. But yes, my lupus.”
“Like I said, the
right guy will be able to handle all of that and he will do it without
complaining. You would realize that if you stopped cutting yourself off from
the world. I learned that the hard way,” he said, rising to his feet.
What he was saying
made perfect sense. Being stuck in the past wasn’t going to help my situation.
I learned that from watching Ahmad during his grieving period as he got back on
the dating scene. Maybe I just needed to trust myself and trust that things
would work out for the best as long as I stuck to my guns about what I wanted.
“Where are you
going?” I asked as he moved toward the door. He turned and slid his hands into
the pockets of his khaki shorts.
“I have to pick up
Ahmelia from Karin’s house and meet up with Whitney. Are you going to be okay?”
he asked. I nodded and followed him to the door. Just as he stepped over the
threshold, a thought popped into my head.
“Wait a minute.
You said that you would tell me what you were thinking,” I reminded him. He
smiled and nodded.
“Oh yeah, I almost
forgot. I’ve been thinking…” he said, digging around in his pocket. I
watched him with anticipation. When he pulled out a small black box, I felt
my heart rise in my throat.
“Are you…?”
“I’ve been
thinking about proposing to Whitney. I’m not completely sure, but it’s been on
my mind heavily,” he said with a wink, showing me the beautiful 14-carat white
gold diamond ring. I immediately became confused as everything processed in
my mind.
“Why did you buy a
ring if you’re not completely sure?” I asked. He grinned as he slipped
the ring into his pocket.
“I think it would make for an interesting story
line for book three, don’t you think?” he said with a wink and walked away
before I could get another word in. I smiled and shook my head as I
closed the door. I gave him his happily ever after. I think it’s past time for
me to obtain my own.
***BE SURE TO GET YOUR COPY OF LOVE UNBROKEN AND LOVE REBORN ON JUNE 12TH!***
My family is what keeps my heart beating, and my world a happy place to be.
I love reading great books that whisk me away from reality, even if for a little while. :) Writing is my passion. I love creating new worlds and new characters, and taking wondrous adventures with them.
In My Dreams & Hidden Wings were both recently published through Crushing Hearts and Black Butterfly Publishing. Descent (A Hidden Wings novella) will be released May 15, 2013, and Broken Wings (Book 2 in the Hidden Wings Series) will be released June 1, 2013.
One day I will find my magic wardrobe, and ride away on my magical unicorn... ♥ Until then... I'll keep writing! ;)
